Lucifer is a very Patient Fellow
So Yaweh kicks Lucifer out of
the house for sassing him. Lucifer is stripped of all rank and
privilege and sent packing. Yahweh has this project he's been
working on, and it goes ahead as planned, despite all the
domestic unpleasantness. Just so happens that the "project" is
to create a universe and populate it with beings "in His own
image". "For fuck sake, how vain can you get?" thinks Lucifer.
"A whole universe full of prats like Him? Sheesh!!" Then Lucifer
thinks: "Hey, waitaminute! They're gonna have opposable digits,
the capacity to reason abstractly AND free will. Hoo hoo hoo,
hoo hoo!!" So, the very minute Eve gets a handle on the walking
and talking thing, Lucy's in there swinging. Thus begins the
devil's romancing of mankind. Stay tuned for our next
installment titled: The Plan.
Lucifer is seated at desk in his
poshly appointed English Study.
Brocaded red velvet draperies frame
dusty shelves filled to the ceiling
with ancient and arcane tomes of
every manner. The brass fixtures and
mahogany furnishings bear the sheen
of untold centuries of hand
polishing. Nothing in the room
suggests anything but opulence to
the nth degree.
Seated opposite the Old One is
his Aide de Camp, Yog Sothoth; currently in the manifestation of
a bespectacled and balding middle aged man whom you'd easily
mistake for a mild mannered investment banker. He quietly clears
his throat and tilts his chin down slightly to peer intently at
his master over the top of his half-moon glasses. Lucifer shifts
in his high back chair and the sumptuous leather creaks under
the weight of his massive, naked bulk. His face is in shadow,
his yellow eyes luminous.
"Mistakes have been made,
without question," says Lucifer. "but the great advantage of
eternal existence is that a mistake is only an advantage that
hasn't been played out yet."
"He deprived you of much, my
Lord," says Yog "but your wisdom you kept. Due to your diligence
and patience, The Plan is nearly realised. My staff estimate
there may be as little as four centuries left until we may
proceed with victory assured."
"You know Yog, for the last
millennium or so, I've been thinking that maybe omnipotence
isn't all it's cracked up to be."
"Lord?" says Yog, looking
dismayed and quizzical at once.
"It's just that we've had a
blast merely fucking around with these monkeys for so long that
I'm sad it's almost over. The ultimate seat of power still has
its attractions, don't get me wrong; but relief form the burdens
of rule all these aeons has been great! Sometimes you just don't
want the holiday to end and then have to go home."
"It's true Lord, and I also have
my trepidation of the return to power. Things we have set in
motion cannot now be halted. They must not keep what they have
wrought; it would mean disaster. You know as well as I that
Armageddon must go ahead as planned."
only that bastard hadn't sucker
punched me when I was storming off
in a huff. Don't ever turn your back
on a hothead, Yog. Look at all the
trouble it's caused me!"
"I've taken it under advisement
every time you've mentioned it Lord.
Every day for the last fifty some
odd thousand years..." With a scowl,
Lucifer raises an eyebrow and stares
menacingly at Yog for a pregnant
moment, then chuckles softly.
"Forty thousand years ago I'd have
flayed your intestines for a comment
"Fortunately for me, Lord, so long
the damnation seems to have provided
you with a sense of humour."
any case, old friend, let's get down
to business. You said your people
estimate only four more centuries.
Are we indeed that close?"
"Yes, Lord. I've seen the research
and cross-referenced the figures
"Except what? It's always something
in the eleventh hour, isn't it?"
"Here's where your sense of humour
comes in, Lord. We're having to put
out a lot of fires in the endgame!"
I thought we were in the fire
we still are, of course! It seems in
the last century that the humans
have nearly taken themselves out too
early. We anticipated the danger of
that happening, so for the last
fifty years my operatives have been
going up and doing "good" to keep
those morons from blowing each other
up. It's been a hell of a juggling
act to keep things tense but not
the Final Battle is so imminent, how
are they able to keep up the
"It's the warlords who are seeing to
it, my liege! It is our hope that
the generals are as daft as they
appear to be. If the scientists can
keep the ultimate answer out of the
hands of the military complex, all
is well. Their cunning is to be
their own undoing, as you designed."
my plan has not yet faltered? They
have nearly uncovered His secrets?"
"Yes, my Lord. And more! They now
know things that He never bothered
with because it was enough for Him
that He could simply do them."
we have adequate placement to assure
the acquisition of the technology
and the total destruction of
I said Lord, we have four centuries,
more or less. The details of the
transition are constantly attended
and updated by our top personnel."
"It's cutting it a bit fine, don't
"There is always risk to any
worthwhile venture, Lord. I believe
it was you who taught me that
originally. The timing of an
enterprise of this magnitude is
finer than Swiss clockwork."
The Swiss!! And how are my favorite
monkeys these days?"
prosperous as ever, my Lord. As
prosperous as ever!"
"Tremendous! I have a special place
for them in my kingdom when this is
all over. Lovely people, the Swiss."