was a man present who brought shame on them and
never drank so much that he would say he was no longer
thirsty." -- from Egil Skallagrimsson's Saga
(translated by Gwyn Jones) in which Egil himself is
possessed by a Guzzlewhomper.
The Guzzle Whomper
Legend tells us of
an evil spirit that has dogged the boot heels of the MacThoys for many
a year. This spirit has been called many things by those who encounter
it, but sit back and let me bend your ears a bit, and I'll tell ye the
Tale of the Guzzle whomper.
Oh aye, ye kin
laugh now, but the very presence of this beastie is enough to freeze
the blood in the veins of a grown man. Why, it's said that it's chill
touch can put a MacThoy off their drink for at least an hour, so take
heed. Ye'll know it first by an unnatural thirst, a desert-like
parching, a veritable Sahara of dryness in yer throat. Only one thing
seems to quench it -- beer. And not a piddly pint or six, but barrels
and hogsheads and tuns and vats of the amber brew. Worst of all, the
Guzzlewhomper takes the beer from yer very belly, and keeps it for its
own. So, you drink and drink, but ye don't feel any of the fine
medicinal effects of such an awesome amount of the barley blessing.
Why I've heard tell of a Guzzlewhomper that sucked the sterner stuff
straight out of a poor soul, leaving him with a fine collection of
empty Scotch bottles and nary a dime in his purse. A sad tale indeed. With my own eyes
did I witness two lasses, possessed by that damnable Guzzlewhomper,
drain a keg of fine ale between them. It started slow enough, but soon
they were pouring that beer down their gullets until not a drop was
left for the rest of us. A sorry state indeed. The only cure for the
Guzzlewhomper is to starve it out. Hie thyself to a lake or well and
drink your fill [of water -ed] till the awful compulsion leaves you.
Sadly, this is harder to do than it sounds, and it may require the
assistance of yer companions - whose beer it is yer drinking. So, mark
my words, if ye be drinkin with yer friends and ye can't get a buzz,
tis a Guzzlewhomper that's got hold ye.
sure to drink all your beer kids, or the GUZZLEWHOMPER WILL GET YA!
<lunges for kids, laughing as they
audio taped interviews of the MacThoy Elders, transcribed by