There is no cure for the hangover, save death.
-- Robert Benchley

When family was found lying on the side of the road comatose from bad liquor, the body was laid out in the den.  The Clan would eat and drink while waiting to see if they would wake. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."


Hell Louise's
Hangover Remedies

Hangover cures have gone through many forms over the ages.  Here are a few of the that Hell Louise mentions.  Being a living book, Bandy Legs MacThoy has contacted her directly complied some remedies. 

Bloody Mary-- 1 oz. vodka 2 oz. tomato juice, chilled, dash Worcestershire sauce, dash Tabasco salt, celery salt, black pepper,  lemon or lime hake well and pour over ice.

Prairie Oyster-- egg yolk into a wine or cocktail glass add Worcestershire sauce, celery, salt, black pepper.   To be consumed as a shot. 

Suffering Bastard--jigger of brandy, jigger of gin, jigger of lime juice, dashes bitters, with ice, ginger ale and fresh mint. 

W.C. Fields Martini--1 part vermouth, 4 parts gin and one olive. To be taken round the clock.

Bandy Legs Special--H20 consumed in equal to or greater than the volume of beer BEFORE retiring. A sandwich on top of that never hurts. (Note: this tactic may require more water for higher-quality beer. Warning: this method has not been scientifically tested in cases of hard alcohol or wine consumption, and chunks may result.)

The Old Standby-- Have another beer upon waking. Consecutive beers may be added. (Warning: this cure is effective only in the safety of Camp, home, etc. You will not be driving or going to work. Ultimately, you'll need to find another cure.  A footnote: Grease (one or two-litre bottles of Carlo Rossi) should not be considered a natural or valid beverage of the Clan, as it has historically been abused and not poured into smaller drinking vessels. He or she who chooses to partake of this horrid abomination deserves to have a hangover. Additionally, anyone who chooses to consume half a bottle of such drink and then proceed to replace the empty space with beer in that same bottle, deserves to have his/her vomit-covered boots photographed while the resulting hangover is in progress.)

Kingsley Amis, in his book On Drink, points out that if "you do not feel bloody awful after a hefty night then you are still drunk, and must sober up in a waking state before hangover dawns."

Among his lengthy list of hangover treatments, he recommends that upon waking:

If your wife or other partner is beside you, and (of course) is willing, perform the sexual act as vigorously as you can.

. . . .If you are in bed with somebody you should not be in bed with, and have in the least degree a bad conscience about this, abstain. Guilt and shame are prominent constituents of the Metaphysical Hangover, and will certainly be sharpened by indulgence on such an occasion.

For the same generic reason, do not take the matter into your own hands if you awake by yourself. . . . (T)he reason why so many professional artists drink a lot is not necessarily very much to do with the artistic temperament, etc.  It is simply that they can afford to, because they can normally take a large part of a day off to deal with the ravages.


Other Clan Cures

Mango Kevi Suuk' Suuk-- I have a double shot, double chocolate mocha.  Beer with lunch helps as well. Just not both at the same time.

Foinah_Jameson-- one shot of whiskey on an empty stomach and then three chili dogs!!!! The magic combination of grease, fiber, carcinogens, mechanically separated pork and turkey, and chili spices make all the bad things go away. Plus, if it happens to come back up, it is soft enough not to hurt your throat   If these are not available then plan B is a Spanish coffee.

Bandy Legs -the hair of the Dog can be a little different at these gatherings than home remedies. Refrigeration is not always guaranteed, and the nearest store is miles away.

However, after, 3 years of practice, I'm finding that the following works for me:

1. Keep a medium Gatorade in the entrance of your tent, and slam it just before passing out around 4 in the morning.

2. Upon waking, eat a vitamin C chewable, a daily multivitamin, and slam a Mike's Hard Lemonade.

3. Fill drinking vessel with champagne or beer (whichever is coldest) and nurse for 1 hour.

4. FUCK BREAKFAST, but nibble off other peoples' food for the next 3 hours. Killian's Survivors' Breakfast is the exception, but one may easily call that "lunch", if not an early dinner.

5. Enjoy the rest of the day.

6. Repeat.

Ah-Pook --treat all instances of sleep as "a nap"--a brief interruption of the drinking process. This said, however, there are a number of libations that function particularly well post-nap.

1. Healthy. Bloody Mary. Salad in a glass, hot enough to purge the bowels and sharpen the mind (if only for a moment).

2. Non-interruptive behavior. Simply continue drinking beer.

3. The real dog. A Greyhound; gin and grapefruit juice. Particularly welcomed with a greasy feta omelet and hash browns.

4. Round heel's Revenge. Tastes like apple juice, but it is really our friend against the dog barking at your liver.

If all else fails, Rusty Nails and/or Jameson's and Guinness will sustain you while knitting a liver cozy.

Siren-- Sip on Champagne and Spanish coffee while you pretend to sleep and when that fails at 6 :45 have a shot o whiskey with a chocolate covered espresso bean.

Gin and Gatorade Juice till you can smell again.

A very small feta and chili dog omelet for lunch, serve with a Bloody Mary and hash browns and a beer back.

Killian Flynn -- I like the small packets of "Emergence C" the one that gives you a weeks worth of all your vitamins, minerals, etc. Dump two of those babies in my glass and fill with champagne and within the hour I'm as right as rain.

Sessidi--last time I was in Australia I brought back a butt load of Berroca - an effervescent tablet that is tons of B vitamins. S

Mad Red Raven Bootchucker --4 packets "Emergen-C" in a quart of Gatorade, at least 3 Super B Complex multi-vitamins, and a half gallon of V-8. Take the pills when you slam the Gatorade, and then nurse the V-8. It usually has me feeling better within an hour...

Last modified: October 01, 2005

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